If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Smells like a challenge to me
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE