went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
smh
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*