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Weighing up my bread heating options
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart