Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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Okay me first
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun