Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My dad.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Sending in my taxes
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine