“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Body by cheese-puffs.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Saturday
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*