This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
how much for the angry fruit?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
pls suprot
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭