[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Somebody call the cops.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.