[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me irl
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was