I put the “pro” in inappropriate
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,