Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Finally, an explanation.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
im all 3
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.