I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You Might Also Like
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My first child will be named New Folder.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.