KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Mornin
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.