What about a To-Don’t List?
You Might Also Like
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds