Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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getting groceries
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.