Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’m more of a homeless romantic.