Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
new wife guy just dropped
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
this will hang in the louvre one day
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.