This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
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I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.