Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out