Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You Might Also Like
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”