I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.