Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
no!! no!!!!!!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.