Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Ha.
Monica just destroyed the internet
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.