I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry