All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
we’re dead?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.