My teenage children choosing violence
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.