I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.