“what that mouth do?” complain
You Might Also Like
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
it’s the silliest best thing
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I just ran a .003048K