absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
This probably isn’t good
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.