[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.