Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
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[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.