So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.