I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
secret recipe
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta