*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef