Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
The struggle is real
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
#dalle2
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}