*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
who will stop them
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.