Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
This guy gets it.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup