[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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this is literally a CIA plant
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
mmm onion ringos
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.