[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
#DesignFail
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!