Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.