They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
#JohnTravolta
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job