[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
You Might Also Like
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
wtf is a larm clock?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
i can’t wait that long
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in