Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
You Might Also Like
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.