Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19