Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.