Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks