Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
It鈥檚 my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club鈥ith your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don鈥檛 fall in love with your puppet.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it鈥檚 like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don鈥檛 mind if I do
Why isn鈥檛 there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
professor x: what鈥檚 ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that鈥檚 not a superpower
me:
professor x: where鈥檚 my pen
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
6. me as a lawyer
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don鈥檛 mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*