A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.