George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
wtf is an acronym
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it