“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
what could possibly go wrong?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.